a regret within itself

“He who spends time regretting the past loses the present and risks the future”

I came across this today and wondered if I was the only one who thinks regretting isn't the most terrible thing in the world. I believe it is in fact healthy, proof of metacognition and growth.

Okay, I get the sentiment. Don't dwell. Make peace. Move on. Fine, I agree.

BUT

I regret decisions - the lack of decisions. I regret words - the lack of words. I understand that this thought will not fix what has happened, but I also understand that if the situation were to arise again I should say yes, I will take you to the doctor. Without hesitation.

And I wonder, if we don't regret...how will we know next time to silence our angry mouth or say goodbye to a love that is dead much much sooner rather than watching it rot into unrecognizable entities.

Regret can be heavy. But lack of regret can be too light. Find a balance I say: Regret. Evolve. Then live.

even though i'll never be able to write You

not truly

not to where it makes sense

not to where the keys stop pulling strings

everything i write, i write to You.

2010 Found Poem

I'm not who I was even just two years ago and I wish my students would see me growing along side them rather than peg me as some seemingly all-knowing hypocrite. When their agenda turns to pointing out my mistakes and when they act as if this observation has made them one up, I try to gently and patiently remind them we aren't playing that game. I am human. I bleed. I also shop at Jewel on occasion and try to enjoy a tasty cup of broccoli cheddar soup from their local Panera. I try to remember how I felt in 8th grade when I saw my teachers out of the context of their classrooms. Was it weird? Did I respond awkwardly? How about when I thought of something my teacher hadn't. Did I feel overly proud? Was I rushed with a sense of elitism?

So maybe their reactions aren't their fault. Maybe I'm operating in a system that perpetuates them. We stand; they sit. We talk; they listen. So my question is, can my philosophy hold up against the system? Will my peaceful reminders ever sink in?

It's a difficult task, this education business. 1.) To get the students on board with a perspective that they aren't used to and 2.) to actually learn something.

Wishing it were different is step one to willing it that way...now I just have to figure out step two...





*This is an assignment I give my students every year. A "Found Poem." They are asked to cut out interesting/poetic words randomly from magazines and newspapers. Afterward they are asked to arrange them meaningfully in a poem that should shape-shift before their eyes. Meaning exists within words and within our experiences with them. I want them to feel the power of the craft as they create something out of what they might consider "nothing." This is the first one I ever made...two years ago...and now I sit with these words, their meaning not quite foreign yet not at all familiar. I'm in the process of making my 2010 version. I'll keep you posted.

the every day masquerade

xx i try to make myself ugly to oo

oo you xx

xx may have confused me with oo

oo the future xx

xx not going to be engaging in "clarifications"

oo of xx

xx what you write here doesn't matter oo

xx you'll oo

xx get me on the transference oo

oo daughter xx

xx of dawn I'm leaving for dead oo

hide and seek

"I'm excited because she contacted me."

a healthy pattern, i silently note

how can i rework the formula?

if it never was equal

the absence of should make it so

the cursor talks for days while i,

i have nothing to say.

that it's all for the best, well of course it is

ten years ago - working on my deep breathing techniques. in and out. that's the trick. in and out. in and out. in and out. say a poem when you can't breathe. in and out. in and out. in and out. say to the down-keepers...say...

(psych the mind to psych the feet.)

i'm all in.

i'll buy the pot

please stop.

for me.

for my wedding

for your grand kids.

the table caved in.

and the truth came out. in and out. in and out. in and out.

the action is on you.

drop.

say to the sun-slappers...say

***

same cards. different opponent.

all in

please begin

for me.

for my wedding.

for my children.

the action is again, on you.

drop. fold.

say to the self-soilers...say

***

to all the harmony-hushers...say..

Live not for battles won.

because you won't win any anyway

Live in the along.

this is hard enough

even if you start with a good hand.